The original author's spelling is retained.
Smoke billows from my hat as I run around a corner.
Ahead of me – what in the Helheim is that!?
I am Lars, I tell myself.
I can do this, I tell myself.
I stare at my fate ahead.
Its large dusty oval body, its oversized Viking jacket, its beastly eyes stare at me.
Yes, I’m staring at a large boulder with eyes and a mouth wearing a jacket.
Oh, and it has horns.
Just great! All I need is to be faced with a boulder!
The boulder comes towards me, shiftily smiling in an odd but friendly way, albeit very creepy. Very creepy.
‘Whyyyyy helloooo there, Mr Lars’ says the boulder to me. ‘You’re probably wondering, and you Are right, am a boulder with two eyes smiling at you? Yep!’
The boulder somehow moves towards me, and I back away.
I’m not accustom to moving boulders. This isn’t even a Scandinavian Common Crab, no sir. So what in the hell is going on?
The boulder comes closer to me and blushes.
‘Errr—’ I start.
‘SILENCE!’ says the boulder. ‘I hear you have been in some trouble!’
‘Trouble?’ I exclaim.
‘Trouble in Jotunheim’ says the boulder nodding to the hat. ‘I see you have been burned! Your influence is like a crispy Viking duck! BURNT!’
The boulder laughs in a ridiculous boulder like manner.
‘Okaaay….’ I say. ‘Best be off…need to train some troops in the manor…’
The boulder laughs again.
‘Oh, look at you, so strong and muscular Mr Lars….so strong and so noble….Oh, I like it, oh I do!’
I blush feverishly as the compliment swims over my cloak.
‘Burning isn’t bad’ say the boulder. ‘I was once a town, you know!’
The boulder laughs again, and I know there’s a story coming from this dusty fella.
‘Yes, yes, I was once a town, but I realised, training troops is so inefficient, why attack towns with troops when you can CRUSH them instead!!!’ says the boulder excitedly.
He moves closer to move and I back away.
‘Become me and we can use the knowledge of Oracle to CRUSH our opponents in Jotunheim together! No more BURNING!’
I think about burning in Jotunheim to clans and consider my weak troops in the infirmary. I must do something if I want to become a Jotunheim master. The boulder winks at me and I awkwardly look away.
‘Well, well, well, well, well,’ says a voice behind me. ‘What do we have here?’
The noble Torin appears.
‘Look at you, Mr Burnt Lars,’ laughs Torin, ‘I would say “see you in Jot” but I don’t see that happening anytime soon!’
Torin walks on with his 500 million fresh soul shards whistling: ‘Lars is burnt, Lars can’t learn, Lars burn, Lars can’t learn…’
The boulder laughs and throws a rock at Torin, who gets knocked out in an instant.
I laugh and so does the boulder.
‘Go get his soul shards!’ says the boulder, giggling excitedly, ‘go go go go!’
I run and take his soul shards.
‘Yay! Thanks, Mr Boulder’ I say
‘The pleasure was all mine’
‘So would you like to become like me?’
‘Helheim, yes!’ I say dancing a jig.
‘Very well!’ says the boulder.
He then winks and blushes.
‘Please be warned, this spell is very difficult!’ says the boulder quietly.
I turn around and ask ‘what was that?’
‘Nothing, nothing’ says the boulder
‘BOULDER BOULDER ON THE WALL, WHO IS THE FAIREST OF THEM ALL, IS LARS? LARS LARS BE LIKE ME, BE LIKE ME AND BECOME A KING’ says the boulder.
I feel my body turn into a sort of floury substance. I look down at my body. I’m bread! What the hell! A loaf of bread! Talk about getting burnt…
‘Oh dear, oopies! I’ve turned you into food by mistake. You can eat yourself, but I would recommend against it’ says the boulder. ‘Or I can try again’
‘Well, duh!’ I say looking at my cheesy body of bread.
‘BOULDER BOULDERS ON WALL TURN THIS BREADED MAN INTO A BREADED BOULDER---I MEAN--- A BOULDER!’
A rush of floury and rockiness flies throughout me as I feel my body become like a rock, then stone, then my oh my I’m –
My influence is now 300T and my bouldery muscle’s are huge.
‘Damn I look good’ I jump for joy, boulder-style!
‘READY FOR JOT?’
We enter Jot together, we see towns together and we are like two HUGE bowling bowls in a bowling alley full of peasant skittles, but these are mere towns. We roll along the icy plains, burning towns as we slide along, destroying everything in our path. We even decide to hit up the Throne cause why not!
And soon enough, myself and Mr Boulder are the last two in Jotunheim.
‘Well, well, what are you going to do with all of that knowledge and expertise, Mr Lars?’ says the boulder.
‘I will become Lars the Chronicle, son of Mr Boulder of the Jotunheim bowling alley’
Mr Boulder smiles and chuckles, ‘very well, use those shards wisely my boy. Use them wisely.’
Mr boulder rides off onto a drakkar into the sunset for Asgard, as I sit down in my Oracle researching about the beauty of the Vikings, preparing to teach many and all.
THE BOULDERING END.